Friday, October 29, 2010

In the Hallway

"I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is indestructible." — John Steinbeck 

I had to make an incredibly tough and painful decision this week...a decision whose outcome I knew was right for me but also a decision that would alter my future forever.  I needed to end a serious relationship and face all those feelings I had been avoiding for way too long.  Sometimes just running is not the answer, sometimes we have to simply stop and draw on all the strength we learn from running to face the not-so-great times in our lives.

As someone said to me this week, "Well, when one door shuts, another opens, but it sure is hell standing in that hallway."  So, in the hallway, I stand.  I am learning that just standing can be okay.  Eventually, I'll move, but I need my comfort zone right now.  This is the time for it.  It feels very much like my last marathon, during the few short walk breaks I took:  "I just need to walk for a legs need to reset...I need to make sure I get a gel and water down."  And man, did it hurt running after that walk, but, eventually, the rhythm returned, pace crept back up and the miles ticked by once again.  

This blog started with a goal for running 40 miles for my 40th birthday.  The race I was going to do it in (supported) closed out before I could register.  An alternate possibility is the same day my son in making First Communion.  With those doors closed as well, I'm not sure if and when the next will open or when I will be ready to exit the hallway anyway.  Maybe my 40 miles will not be consecutive.  Maybe I will run 10 a day for 4 days in a row or 20 for 2 days in a row.  I don't know.  But, what I do know that this goal was never meant to be a stressor in my life, and I refuse to let it. The goal is also about the journey, not just running the miles. 

On my other blog, I once described my comfort zone as "soft, safe, sound, with no surprises lurking around the corner. In fact, there are no corners, just rounded edges, like mountains of pillows. It is reliable, never changes and never catches me off guard. Everything there just flows, in a very unchallenging, complacent way."  While I may just hang out here a little while, I'm not going to bring in any pillows.  I have too much to do.  

First and foremost, I already cracked one door open and signed up for a bucket-list race, giving myself a birthday present.  The Big Sur Marathon (yes, as in California) is May 1st and I have been eyeing it for some time.  I took a leap of faith (upon seeing that it was 86% full and currently closed) that I'd come up with the money, time, babysitters, and something to overcome my fear of flying, to jet out across the country to run.  I have family in Monterey and have been there twice, but not in 17 years.  I remember once sitting in Salinas, feeling a close kinship with author John Steinbeck. He was born there, but made Sag Harbor, Long Island, NY his adult hometown, which is where I grew up.  In that moment, surrounded by all that beauty, I got it.  So, I registered and know, if I put the energy forward, I will get there.  The "hows" don't even need to be discussed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Maybe 40 years and 40 days, or 40 years and 40 weeks, or 40 years and 40 months... An accomplishment on any day
- jeannie